Things I Am Thankful For

I feel like the more social networks there are, the more the world becomes like one gigantic, awful family. The main reason I think that is because on Thanksgiving, instead of being confined to the thankfulness of my family, I am instead exposed to the very important thankfulness of everyone I have ever met, talked to, or accidentally added on Facebook.

However, I feel like, for me, it’s not enough to be thankful for one thing at roughly 140 characters. So, I’ve compiled a list of the 20 top things I am thankful for. So that everyone I have ever met, talked to, or begged to add me on their Facebook because their profile picture was pretty/vaguely familiar/vaguely whorish will know how I feel about life and everything.

So, without further ado, my thankful list:

1. I am thankful for never appearing on the front page of CNN.com because I ate another human being.

2. I am thankful for having never seen two inside out lovers slow dance to Hopelessly Devoted by Olivia Newton John.

3. I am thankful that I am not allergic to pie.

4. I am also thankful that I am not allergic to air or women.

5. I am thankful that I am white and have a smaller chance of being charged for a crime.

6. I am thankful that I am Jewish and due to past persecutions, can safely make racial jokes.

7. I am thankful that Asians are good at math and eating rice at wild speeds.

8. I am thankful that I have never had to eat my way out of a cage made out of pork.

9. I am thankful for being a foreigner, because when America does something stupid I can shrug helplessly and say, “Hey, it’s your country.” But when they accidentally do something right I can proudly nod my head and say, “Hey, that’s my country.”

10. I am thankful that the only affordable healthcare for me is the kind that the healthcare administrative person described as, “If something really horrible happens to you”-healthcare — because I like to live dangerously and hate freedom.

11. I am thankful that, because of the Internet, our lexicon has expanded to cover words that sound like something a baby would name a blue dragon but are, in fact, names for dotcoms.

12. I am thankful that the American Indians are the only group of people who get a whole holiday dedicated to their kindness and inevitable slaughter.

13. I am thankful that, while the future looks bleak, we’ll always have John Cusack to the guide the way.

14. I am thankful for people on TV, because without them, I wouldn’t know what to believe in.

15. I am thankful for our education system, because it did really good stuff for me; [sometimes]?

16. I am thankful for art, because it’s the thing that makes the world go round.

17. I am thankful for love, because it’s the thing that makes art go round.

18. I am thankful for family, because it’s what taught me what goes round.

19. I am thankful for you, for reading this blog.

20. I am thankful to minorities for not beating me up about that white comment earlier. I was joking. I’d be so much cooler if I was black.

Happy Thanksgiving!